Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: The Herbie Way

Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: The Herbie Way
Molly Sams  - TEH Sept/Oct ‘10

            So I think we can all agree that the end of the world is upon us. The Gulf of Mexico is exploding, UFOs are reportedly seen in China's sky, and the public's growing fascination with Lindsay Lohan shows that the end is nigh. Though humanity may not know when it will hit (and it will), you must be ready for it.  Luckily, with a bit of herbie knowledge your chances of survival will increase quite a bit.

If only Maryanne and I had read this article "before".

            One of the safest places to be during a zombie outbreak is a rural or forested area. Even though it may be the setting for many a zombie movie, it is safe because even before the dead began reanimating it was scarcely populated so zombies won't see much point in going there. However, in order to survive in these areas, you must know the land and how to put it to use.

             After you get your shelter and a source of water, you will want to find a certain plant that is unfortunately a bother to pick. Stinging Nettle is nutritious, mineral-rich, tasty, and can be prepared in a number of ways. It can be made into a tea, a soup, or a veggie with another dish as long as you steam or boil it before eating to get rid of the painful sting.

            Minerals are not the only thing you will need when trying to keep up with your reanimated neighbors. Wild Leeks or ramps, grow wild and are extremely useful during the zombie apocalypse. They are known for being “antiseptic, [and have] antiviral properties as well as the benefits to blood pressure and the respiratory system” as Tina Sams wrote in The Essential Herbal blog. During the winter, the antiviral properties will help you stay healthy and with its respiratory benefits, you can keep on running perhaps literally.

            However, ramps give off a particularly potent scent which can secrete from your pores, you may want to cover this with an earthy smell such as patchouli to convince the zombies there is no all-you-can-eat-buffet in the woods.

             While on the topic of smells, you may also want to avoid smelling like garlic. These are not vampires, they do not sparkle, they do not drink blood, they eat you. Garlic reminds them of the tastes they enjoyed when living, like garlic chicken or pesto.  It may also have something to do with brains (their prime source of “nourishment”) and spaghetti being somewhat similar in appearance.  This will only attract them more. Basil is much worse, though scientists are unsure as to why, they say, “it’s like crack to them.” So avoid basil at all costs.

            Despite popular belief, during large outbreaks a zombie bite is not the most likely thing to kill you. Due to scrapes, friendly fire, or cuts, infection is possibly the most common way to die in any apocalypse. Packing and bandaging a wound with Plantain can help clean and hinder infection until you have the proper amount of time and tools to treat the wound.   At one point, scientists studied the effects of a combination of plantain and chickweed for their drawing properties, hoping that it might fight off the effects of a zombie bite.  A zombie bite however is completely incurable. It will not heal no matter what, and the person will die and reanimate into a zombie. The best thing to do in the case of a zombie bite is to shoot the infected quickly as to save others and preserve the dignity of the bitten.

            Red clover may be the best plant to have during any zombie outbreak, or just for whenever. Women of all ages should take it in a zombie apocalypse in order to keep them healthy, awake, and alert. The plant is supposed to ease menstrual cramps and menopausal symptoms so you can keep moving and red clover may also help with bronchitis and asthma and is even said to help with cardiovascular problems amongst women going through menopause.

            On a more agricultural note, it is a great green manure. It has been used for many years to help put nutrients in the soil so you can grow all the things you need to keep you fighting.

            Comfrey is another good, healing herb to know.  It will help with the lacerations of life on the run.

            Now, there is much more to learn when it comes to the eventual reanimation of the dead. You've taken the first step towards survival by reading this article but if you value your survival in the dark times that will soon be upon us I'd suggest you'd keep reading The Essential Herbal,  and then find out all you can about the undead. Happy apocalypse!